if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Randomize
