I faked an abortion last night.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
