Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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