Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
