the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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