I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
