Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
