I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
