Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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