In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
