she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
