She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
