JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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