A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
