if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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