Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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