I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
