i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
