Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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