why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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