I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
