I've blown a few things in my day
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
