my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
