fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
