Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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