her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
