Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Who died my cat blue again?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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