the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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