A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I deserve this hangover.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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