The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
