sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
