I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
