Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
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