one two three fourrrrnication!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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