I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I deserve this hangover.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
