Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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