She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
