Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
