What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
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To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
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I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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