I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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