can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
