I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
