My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
