I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
