Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
