At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
