you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
