Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
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it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
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He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize