I can't breathe out the right side of my face
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
