i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
