So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
