fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
