You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
